What a Dog Should Remember
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and therefore avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Other funny quotes:
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
--Unknown
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
--Gene Hill
In dog years, I'm dead.
--Unknown
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
-- Dave Barry
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
-- Aldous Huxley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
-- Sue Murphy
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul --chicken, pork, half a cow.
They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-- Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-- Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
--Joe Weinstein
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-- James Thurber
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
-- Nora Ephron
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-- Ann Landers
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-- Robert A. Heinlein
In order to keep a true perspective of ones importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
--Ben Williams
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
-- Edward Abbey
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
-- Unknown
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
-- Unknown
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
-- Christopher Morley
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
--Josh Billings
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
-- Holbrook Jackson
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-- Andrew A. Rooney
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
-- Smiley Blanton
I've seen a look in dogs eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
-- John Steinbeck
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown
Consultants
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him.
The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sun glasses, Jovial Swiss wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the grazing sheep and replies, "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile-fax, enters a NASA website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep here."
The shepherd answers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man takes an animal and puts it in the back of his jeep.
The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return the animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not?"
The shepherd says, "You are a consultant."
"That's amazing - How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already
knew. Third, you don't understand anything about my business. Now can I have my dog back?"
Last update: Fri 3/22/2002 14:30 PST
Please send me your questions or comments.
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